Kentucky Lake -- 2004

The other day I was going through "My Documents" (I think I was looking for that Chris Isaak song); I ended up being distracted by a Word Document from 2 years ago. I must give a bit of background here.......

We went on a long-weekend vacation trip to Kentucky Lake where we met Skip, Beth, and Jessica. We brought Woofie along (she drove Jess bonkers!!), but for an old dog, she was pretty well-behaved. She had the best time sniffing all sorts of things and woofing at dogs that happened to walk in front of our little place. That's what all good Woofstas are supposed to do.

The place where we were staying was very nice -- clean, well-equipped kitchen, near the lake. Nice! It even had a little grill in front for us to barbeque. Yet, the weather went bad on us -- cold and rainy. Michael and I had to buy sweatshirts (we came up from Atlanta), then as we were getting ready to rent our fishing boat, Jess' bag was stolen! Can you believe that? In Kentucky!

We went out and Michael, Skip and Jess fished along the coves in our little pontoon boat. All was well -- UNTIL I needed to use the bathroom! OMG! OK, I'll leave it to your imagination.

Now, I'm sure I'm forgetting a lot of things (I didn't have a blog back then). We decided that we would go out to dinner one evening while we were there. Skip and Beth had heard many good things about "Patty's Settlement". It's a quaint little spot with antiques stores and pretty gardens in Western Kentucky.

We decided that we'd go to the restaurant at Patty's that got rave reviews from Carlinville folks. I can't remember what I ordered or anyone else, for that matter, but Skip ordered the smoked pork chops. It took the waiter a long time to wait on us. Then, he told us that they don't serve BEER; only non-alcoholic beverages such as iced tea. OK, no big whoop (to us gals), but Skip and Michael wanted to eat dinner and get the heck out of there! It was really quiet in the place too. We were all afraid to speak above a whisper.

We were finally served our meals and Skip announces, "This smoked pork chop tastes like ham. I don't like ham." Jess offered him her meal, and I think they traded some food. It was funny -- except that Skip was hungry and he doesn't like ham.

The waiter was not the best -- especially once he told the guys there was no beer on the premises. There just so happened to be a customer comment/survey card at the table that Michael slyly snapped up to take home with us when nobody was looking.

A couple of weeks later, Michael showed me the customer comment/survey card and this letter that "Raymond Lipinski" wrote to Skip:

July 30^th, 2004

Dear Mr. Brooks,

I’m just writing to advise you that my employment from Patty’s has been terminated as a “direct” result of the enclosed customer survey response.

I thought that my level of service to you and your guests at Patty’s Settlement on the evening of July 25^th was of the highest quality. However, based on the fallout since that evening it is clear my assumption was quite inaccurate. I am still not clear what transpired during the course of that evening that could have justified such a savage and brutal attack on a college-bound waiter looking to earn book money for his first semester. Was it the quiet dining area of our establishment that caused you incredible distress? Was our tea not up to the standards set by people from “middle” Illinois? Or, perhaps a more direct question, do you just not know how to properly order when confronted with a full savory menu of PORK & PIE?

I suspect you are some sick son-of-a-bitch who just wanders around eating restaurant favorites, only to then lay waste to the support staff for what must clearly be a twisted sense of humor. Everyone knows that when you smoke a pork chop it tastes like ham. What $%^&ing planet did you come from to be stupid enough to think it would taste like just a “smoked” pork chop. Man! Come to your culinary senses!

Perhaps it was the fact that our humble little county chooses to not serve “devil’s brew” to each and every patron who enters our establishment. I see it all the time, a drink before dinner, chuckles at the table, another during the meal, a satisfying belch at the end. God knows what happens to your poor meal mate once you get her home. Wild crazy sex in all rooms of the house. Have you no morals? We certainly do.

I must close now so I can go and get into the unemployment line down at the Kentucky Dam. Just remember the little guy the next time you order out and remember:

F*&KING SMOKED PORK CHOPS TASTE LIKE HAM…………..!!!!!!!!!!!!

Belittled and bewildered,

Raymond Lipinski
Ex- Patty’s Settlement waiter for 5 years

P.S. I think your wife is really hot.